Thinking, Speculation and More Thinking

I'm feeling pretty great - I'm back in my element, wondering about life and love and fairy tales and wanking off; And all this thinking isn't even in pieces that make no sense, but actual coherent strings of thought. Now I know you (whoever you are) are supposed to decide that based on my posts, but I can tell you, quite proudly, that for a while none of them are going to end up like the one about the Knight, because - let's be honest - that was absolute rubbish.

  Anyway, after watching some CCS, followed by the second half of Juno (during which time, if you're interested - you're probably not, but this is my blog - this train of thought that I'm going to write about set off on it's journey), and while waiting for the next few episodes of CCS to buffer, I'm lying in this terribly uncomfortable position typing out this large, cluttered and unnecessary build up to this very deep post.

  Getting to the point.

  So in Juno, there's the scene where Ellen Page comes home, after she's dealt with things way beyond her maturity level, when she realises she's in love with Micheal Cera (Bleaker? Yes, him). Her father tells her that when you've found someone who loves you for who you are, that person's a keeper (of course, he phrased it differently and all). The question is, what if, even though the person loves you for who you are, they don't treat you right? They don't do anything based on what they know about you? Does it mean they don't know anything at all, or does it make them selfish - treating you how they want to, regardless of what they know you want? Furthermore, if you can't accept their treatment of you, does that mean that you don't love them for whom they are? Which means - if you're exceedingly proud or you're a doormat, like me - you're in the wrong (in the sense that you're the one rocking the boat - the imperfection in what could be a perfect pair) and that's just not okay. So do you be the doormat, but the good one, where nobody can touch you or tell you that you were selfish, rude, demanding but where you're very likely to spend that half an hour before bed every night thinking about how everything isn't right - even though you're in the right.

  So does it depend on what you choose to be - practical, make your stand and be a little bit calculating or a believer in the fairy tale where everything just clicks if you could just, just give in sometime - or does it depend on who you are? Aren't they the same, though?

  Again, more debate. I want to be a super-confident badass person, mysterious, cold and uncaring (what an advantage I'd have in the world!), but I'm a sappy old romantic and I tried, but I couldn't change that. So you can be who you want to be, absolutely your choice, but it's also pretty great to love yourself, the way you are.

  Right, this is becoming very self-help-y and motivational-speech-y, so let me see what I've inferred from this thinking out loud and get back to the point.

  The pinafore will tell me that being practical is the hundred percent best way to go about things, and I kind of agree, because just because you don't give in all the time doesn't mean you don't acknowledge when you're wrong and apologise when you should. I always thought things would be so easy - everything would be great if I found the right person, and if things weren't great then I hadn't found the right person; But that logic is so twisted, and so stupid and messed up. You have to make things work together, it can't just happen. Nothing just happens. Life doesn't work that way.

  YET, there is still dilemma. I've seen my parents rubbing each other the wrong way almost everyday of my life, but I've seen the great side of their relationship - it makes me wonder. Is that how it is, really? After a point, you get so miffed with each other - maybe you're exhausted, sick of being together that you do anything to needle the other person, plus, you are so frustrated by life, the universe and everything, and you take it out on the person you see the most. The sad thing is that it's hard to tell the other person what you want, or what's bothering you, because that would be admitting a weakness. Ah, we humans are such proud creatures. 

  Seriously though, the way I see it, it's like being on permanent PMS, without any sort of pinafore to knock some sense into you. Instead, you have one that fights your fire with fire. So there is no closure, no chance for apologies, because no one is willing to back down. Won't you get sick of it, one day? If you have no children to think about, won't you just want to break it off, get a divorce, go out and be free? Nobody to bug you, put you down, say anything. Even then, there's that fear of losing your significant other. Maybe if you lose them, you'll be too proud to say you miss them when you do. So it's better to stuff it, and keep fighting than to leave. Is that the sacrifice you have to make - your freedom, your peace - all for a happiness that isn't quite whole - a happiness that's ruled by pride, in a time when it's too late to back down?

  No relationship is without compromise, so why compromise? Why have a relationship at all? Because you're a sodding romantic who can't help it.

  Right, I think I better stop here, because the more I type, the more I think and the more I think, the more I type and there has to be some end. Also, we've reached the point where I need a hug, some ice cream because I am this close to bursting into tears and wailing about how everybody should just play nice and be honest and unicorns and rainbows.